


Spur of the Moment

by likeadeuce



Category: Henry IV Part 1 - Shakespeare, Shakespeare Histories - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Journalism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 00:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/932673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeadeuce/pseuds/likeadeuce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Former sports anchor Harry "Hotspur" Percy tries his hand at political punditry.</p><p>Written for the prompt "journalism AU."  This turned out to be more "pundit fic" than journalism proper. Conventions of US cable programming apply, though not US politics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spur of the Moment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [newredshoes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/newredshoes/gifts).



[Intro: bombastic music, images of the blue and gold Percy crest, intermingled with photographs of Harry 'HOTSPUR' Percy: smiling, rolling eyes, shouting, hands spread in exasperation. In each image, Percy wears shirtsleeves without a jacket, the cuffs rolled up to show powerful arms. His tie and collar are loosened and his hair strategically tousled. 

The intro sequence concludes with a particular striking image of HOTSPUR, and the show's title card, which reads: 'SPUR OF THE MOMENT'.

The camera switches to a live action view of the interior of a studio. HOTSPUR, grinning a grin that is suspiciously like a gloat, greets the camera.]

HOTSPUR: Greetings, countrymen. Welcome to what will prove to be, I trust we all agree, a momentous day in the history of the Anglia News Network if not, dare I say, of this great nation herself. I will not beg pardon for my lack of humility. Ours is not an age for humble men to take their place in the public eye -- although, I fear, it has been dominated by men who have much to be humble _about_. 

'But wait,' you may ask yourself. 'Why has this man been given air time on the Anglia _News_ network? Is this not Harry Hotspur, world renowned athlete and commentator on the world of sports? Was this man not, in fact, removed from his own highly rated sports program for expressing too many opinions that made too many highly-placed people uncomfortable?'

I confess. In my younger days, I led teams to a number of championships. [HOTSPUR raises clenched fists, the backs of his fingers facing the camera, to show that he is wearing several heavily jeweled rings on each hand.] These are the real thing. No replicas here, although my [HOTSPUR makes air quotes] advisers informed me that it was a bad idea because of [more air quotes] insurance. Well, you know what I have to say to those advisers. [HOTSPUR looks like he's going to make air quotes again, then abruptly changes to a different gesture. On video, his fingers are covered with a censorship blur.

The camera angle switches to show KATE MORTIMER standing on the edge of the stage. She is dressed conservatively in a pencil skirt, silk blouse, and blazer, wearing a headset.]

KATE: Harry, you know you can't do that on the air.

[The camera shifts back to HOTSPUR, who is smirking.] HOTSPUR: Audience, this as good a time as any to introduce Kate. Say 'hi' to the audience, Kate.

[Back to KATE, who rolls her eyes visibly as she speaks.] KATE: Hello.

[Still off-camera] HOTSPUR: Kate's head producer here at 'Spur of the Moment.' It's her job to make sure I know when I'm being inappropriate. 

KATE: Stick to the script, Harry.

[Off-camera] HOTSPUR: In other words, she's our resident killjoy. But we like having her around. For one thing, she's got the best legs on the S-o-t-M team. Cameraman, can we get a look at those. . . [Camera back on HOTSPUR] See? That was inappropriate and Kate let me know. [Mutters into hand.] She does have the best legs. [Directly to the camera again.] It's all right, though. I have the best hair. [Touches it.] If you're interested in who has the best ass, a competition will be held --

[Off-camera] KATE: That's not going to happen, Harry.

HOTSPUR: Well, we'll save that one for sweeps. Are sweeps still a thing, Kate, or is that old media thinking? [Looks off camera] Nobody knows? [Looks back at camera] Nobody knows.  
[Slams fist on desk] It doesn't matter. I'm not here for the ratings.

Well. That's not true. Here at _Spur of the Moment_ , we do care about our ratings, because we care about our audience. I care about every one of you [points at camera] because _I_ have a message for the people of this nation. There came a time, on my former program, when my broadcast partner and I came to a realization. The world of sports was no longer the clean playing field we had loved, the meritocracy in which the best and brightest strove for honor and glory. It has been wracked by scandal and corruption, drug use and gambling. It's run by the money of old, weak men who don't remember what it feels like to get in the arena themselves.

And meanwhile, we're distracted by bread and circuses and look who's running the _real_ world. Remember this guy?

[Screen projects a picture of Richard II. He's caught making a ridiculous face, as he leans down to feed a handful nuts to a monkey. A musical phrase sounds that a discerning ear with an affinity for early 90s Canadian pop will recognize as the line, "Haven't you always wanted a monkey?" from "If I Had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies.]

And yet, my fellow citizens. We didn't know how good we had it under the old guy. Yes, Richard robbed us of the spectacle of a perfectly good trial by combat between Henry Lancaster and old Norfolk. Yes, he banished Lancaster on the thinnest of pretexts, then used the excuse to steal his land and money. And yes, I admit. I myself supported Lancaster in his bid to replace Richard. But since then. . . since then.

But there will be plenty of time to talk about the failings of Henry Lancaster. . .Senior. 

Right now, it's time to pay tribute to my former broadcast partner in a segment we like to call . . .Roll it, Kate. [A graphic appears simultaneously with HOTSPUR saying the words; the first part of the first word, however, is bleeped] @#$?#-Head of the Week!

[The screen displays a photograph of HOTSPUR, slightly younger and with shorter, more disciplined hair; KATE, dressed slightly more casually in a pastel pantsuit; and, on her other side, HENRY "HAL" LANCASTER, JR. The three together are holding a large 'Excellence in Broadcasting' trophy.]

HOTSPUR: Henry. Lancaster. Junior. A man I once considered a comrade. A man whose ethics and skill as a journalist I would have fought every one of you [HOTSPUR points to the camera and glares; you can tell he means it] – every one of you to defend. Hal, we used to call him. Good old Hal. Now that his father has ascended so far, we could expect to see young Hal make his voice heard. As I have moved on to Anglia News Network, what heights could we expect. . . [HOTSPUR covers his mouth for a moment and holds up a finger; the audience knows what's coming, but HOTSPUR doesn't want to blow the punchline.] What heights could we expect young Hal to achieve? Well –

[Video clip: Hal, clad in a Speedo bathing suit, "MADCAP!!!!" written on his chest in body paint. HAL: Are you ready, West Palm Beach? It's time for the WET. T-SHIRT. CONTEST!" Young women run past him with blurry 'censored' squares over their chests.]

[Second video clip: HAL, standing between a large, white-bearded man, and a shorter man with an enormous, extremely red nose. HAL: Now, Jack, are you telling me that _you_ can fart _louder_ than Bardolph? There's one way to find out. AUDIENCE CHANTING: FART-O-METER. FART-O-METER.]

[Third video clip: HAL, again shirtless and with dark stains all over his body and his clothes as though he's been in some kind of explosion, yells: Francis! Fraaaancis! FRANCIS, a bartender, appears, at which point Hal dumps a sudsy beer on his head.]

[Back in the studio, HOTSPUR shakes his head.] HOTSPUR: I remember when that channel actually showed music videos.

[Off-camera] KATE: No, you don't. No one does.

HOTSPUR [a little peeved at being contradicted]: Be that as it may. . .One thing you may all remember about my good friend Hal Lancaster is that while he doesn't [Displays his knuckles again] have nearly this many championship rings. By which I mean, well, any. In any sport whatsoever. Nonetheless, Hal did at one point very nearly make the national team in archery. 

If only there were some sort of video clip from young Lancaster's work at _Madcap_ that could, well, perfectly symbolize how far he's fallen.

[New video clip: HAL: Poins, if we're going to make this stunt with the arrows work. . .

POINS (offscreen): Look sharp! 

HAL turns, is struck just below the eye with a blunt tipped rubber arrow. HAL: Oww! Holy [bleep]! [Bleep][bleep] the [bleeping] [bleep] I'm going to [bleep] your. . . 

HAL runs off screen in the direction of POINS. The camera Jiggles and then turns to static.]

[Back in the studio, HOTSPUR stares intently at the camera.] HOTSPUR: I'm not sure, I caught that, could you . . .? [The video runs again, and again, in a loop, each time with more edited out so by then end it's just a few quick frames of Hal getting hit and screaming]

HOTSPUR: Happily. . .no injuries were reported. 

I should clarify that the preceding was not official, aired _Madcap_ footage. Suffice it to say that we have our sources and. . .there is no truth to the rumor that Jack Falstaff traded that clip to an SotM intern for Kate's phone number and a warm Coors Lite.

[Off camera] KATE: My _what_?

HOTSPUR: Now, now, Katie. I said _no_ truth. [To the camera] It was Heineken. Give us some credit.

[Camera turns back to KATE]: Good Because it was _your_ phone number he wanted.

[Off-camera] HOTSPUR: What? [HOTSPUR back on camera.] Very well, that's our first [bleep]head of the week segment. We trust Hal will provide us with material for many more.

Now, a word from our sponsors. You'll want to hang around, because we have an interview with West Coast media tycoon Owen Glendower. It should be a good one. He's promised to tell us _all_ the names of the devil. [Points to his forehead, makes a "Cu-ckoo" sound.] 

All that and more, after the break.


End file.
